What? Me Submit?

Submission.. that's a hard one for us women to swallow. Society has turned the word submission into a dirty word for us. We are told it's where our husbands control us and we have no say at all. We have to do every little thing he says and we are just to be mindless robots at his beckoning call. I, myself, struggled with this. I am my own person. No one is gonna tell me what to do. No one is gonna control me. What a horrible mentality for me to have as a child of God.

When I realized what it actually meant to be a submissive wife, I didn't have a husband willing to lead, or so I thought. When in reality, he didn't know how to. Neither of us were taught how to be biblically married. We were both just going through the motions of what we thought marriage should look like. I knew he needed to step up but he wasn't. My mentality was well someone has to lead and if he isn't going to then I will. I wasn't being very biblical in this way of thinking either. I was praying to God to help my husband become the spiritual leader while I was still filling that role. Then one day I felt God spoke to me saying, "How can he lead if you are. That's not what I called you to do." He was right. We both couldn't fill the same position. There wasn't enough room for us both to sit on that seat. What were we teaching our children? I had to take a step back and learn what it meant to be my husbands wife in God's eyes and in His truth.. That leads me to this question. What does true biblical submission look like?

Like I mentioned before if you ask the modern world today it would look like control and abuse; but, that isn't what God's design looks like. I guess to get you to really understand the roles of the husband and wife I need to start with the husband. What exactly does God call the husband to do in the marriage?

The husband is the main role of the home, not that he is better or superior to his wife, but God calls him to be the spiritual leader of the home. The bible tells us that husbands should love their wives as Jesus loves the church. So what does that look like? Jesus leads His people not by control or inferiority but by love, grace, mercy and servitude. Wait! What? Servitude? Yes, Jesus led by serving. He washed the feet of His disciples. He also sacrificed Himself and laid down His life for His bride, the church. The church meaning His followers and those who were to come to Him by the blood He shed for us. He died so we, His faithful believers and followers, could live. This is the representation of the husbands role.

Husbands are to lay down their lives for their wives if need be. Ok. Ok. I know I just jumped to the worst case scenario right out the front door, right? Although, this is just part of the expectations, there is so much more to the role of the husband. Let me see if I can break it down for you in a way that can be easily followed and understood, well as long as you keep God in the center, because that is the 1st and most important step; is the husband and wife are to put God first.

The bible tells us that man is to leave his parents and marry a woman. Once they are married they become one. Yep, you read that right. They don't live individually but as one with God in the middle, a three stranded cord if you will. There's no more his life and her life it is their life. They are a united front, a team with God as their main focus, putting their faith in Him and following His word.

Genesis 2:24 (ESV)Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."

Let me see if I can explain this in a different way. In the beginning God created everything, except a woman, well not at 1st. Adam was created from dirt before Eve. The world was created, water, light, animals, night, and Adam. And in everything He made He said it is good, till He looked upon Adam. What changed? He said, "It's not good for man to be alone." So what did God do? He made woman. He put Adam to sleep, took a rib from him and made Eve.

Interesting thing about the location of the rib. It's on the side and under the arm. Think about that. God took a rib from Adam's side and from under his arm to make him the perfect mate. Woman was made from a part of Adam, a place where she is intended to stay. Not in front of or behind him but, under his arm for Adam's protection and right at his side. This shows she is his equal not his property to be controlled and commanded. Why do I say this? Look at what God said about woman when He decided to make her for man. It speaks a lot. He said I will make him a helper suitable for him.

Genesis 2:18 (ESV)Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

Helper. Interesting choice of words don't you think? If God meant submission to be complete control by man and to have no voice then He wouldn't have chose to make her a helper. So what does that actually mean? If she is to submit but is also his helper? How does that work?

Let me show you.

The man is to be the spiritual leader in their home. He is to lead prayer, worship and be over bible reading; teaching and leading his family about and to God. He is to live what he teaches, leading by example. His walk with God should match his talk and visa versa. He sets the spiritual guidelines in the home. He seeks God's guidance and instruction for his family. He leads by encouraging his family with integrity, overseeing the spiritual growth of his family. He is to build a strong relationship with God showing his family what to follow. He needs to realize that effective leadership comes from seeking God's will and wisdom, passing down to his family what he learns and what God shares with him.

The husband is also the provider of the home. He is to provide basic needs for his family such as food, clothing, shelter and other necessities. He is also called to provide spiritual and emotional security to his family. He needs to create a safe and loving environment. His family should feel cherished, supported and encouraged earning their trust and respect through his actions and leadership.

He is also called to be their protector. He should do every thing he can to keep his wife and children safe from spiritual, physical and emotional dangers. He is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. (Ephesians 5:25). God calls the husband to love his wife selflessly and serve her, putting her needs before his own. He is to sacrifice his needs for her including being willing to lay down his life for her as Christ did for the church.

Being the husband comes with great responsibility and accountability. He is responsible for caring for and managing his household as a steward under God. God holds him accountable for how he loves, treats, and leads his family. In the beginning, God created Adam then Eve. When the 1st sin took place He held Adam responsible. He told Adam not to eat of the fruit. Adam was to instruct and teach Eve of God's rules. So when Eve disobeyed and Adam didn't stop her and he followed her instead of God's teachings, God cursed Adam. He was responsible for Eve and the choices she made. That sounds harsh, I know! The husband is responsible for his family and their choices. Now, that doesn't mean that the wife and kids aren't held accountable too. They are most definitely held accountable especially if they willfully sin. But, man is held to a higher accountability because God put him as the spiritual leader in the home.

The biblical perspective of the husbands role or "the man of the house" is understood as the husband is tasked with spiritual leadership and responsibility for his household. This means He provides for the family's physical and spiritual needs, demonstrating love and sacrifice like Christ, while guiding them in faith and the ways of the Lord. It's not about dominance or control. It's a position of a servant leadership focused on nurturing and protecting the family while teaching and guiding them to God and with God.

Okay, so now what do we do as wives? How does this submission look for us? As I said before, we aren't to be mindless robots that does everything the man says. It's not a dictatorship. Again, we are a team, when we marry. We become one flesh which is God's original design. We are made to be his equal not his subordinate. If that's the case then what does it look like to submit?

There are several bible verses that speak on the roles of the home. One of the most known passages on the role of the husband and wife is found in Ephesians 5:22-6:4. In Ephesians 5:22, Paul tells us that the wife should submit to the husband. This does not mean that wives are inferior or should be passive and have no say. It means that they should respect and honor their husbands' leadership role in the home. Again, go back to Genesis 2:18. God made man a helper when He made woman. The wife's role is not subservient but complementary, working alongside her husband to build a strong and loving home.

The wife is called to submit to her own husband, similar to the way the church submits to Christ. While the husband is called to lead, this doesn't negate the importance of mutual submission and respect within the marriage. She is responsible for creating a loving and nurturing home. She is to care for her family's physical, spiritual and emotional needs along with her husband. She is to help create a peaceful atmosphere within the home being a source of comfort and support for her husband and children.

She is to be her husbands partner in life supporting and encouraging his endeavors. The wife works with her husband to achieve their shared goals. She needs to be willing to make sacrifices for the well-being of her family, just as her husband does. She is to be selfless, putting her husband before herself, just as he puts her before himself.

Submission looks like respecting your husband's point of view. It means humbly sharing your opinion with him. It means not invalidating him, especially in front of others. It means trusting his decision as a leader, while feeling empowered to give your own point of view. It means discussing things as a couple, not making decisions on your own but with your spouse. She listens and offers advice, again, being his sounding board. They are a team, they are one with God in the middle, a three stranded cord all tied together. But he is to lead over her. This form of submission isn't servitude. It's a partnership where one leads the other and the other guides with love, patience and support.

Psalm 128:3 (ESV) says "Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table." This verse can be hard to understand but is a very good verse to look at a wife. In ancient Israel the vine was a symbol of prosperity and blessing. This represents the wife's role to ensure growth, productivity, and a harmonious family life. This verse suggests a wife is to contribute to the family's well-being and success being her husbands helpmate.

What this looks like in my home is, I speak my opinion with love and respect to him. If I see biblical reasoning in it I bring that up. I ask him to pray on it. I pray as well. I tell him this is my opinion but what ever you decide, I support you. A lot of the times he will hear my perspective and my husband will say, that's a good point. Sometimes he does say I don't agree with that. We discuss it either way. We talk about it and take it to the Lord. He makes the decision and I support it, but I do speak my voice on it. I don't get angry if he doesn't go with my opinion. I support his decision in the end, whichever way it goes. God placed him over me and as a faithful follower of Christ I am to respect his choice. I understand that God may have told him something that He didn't share with me because my husband is the spiritual leader in the home. There have also been times that I feel God has led me to speaking to my husband about some things as well to help guide him and help him to make the correct choice or to guide him back on the right path. God uses us both because we are a team.

This submission thing was hard for me. As I said in the beginning of this, we didn't know what our roles were or how to be biblically married. We had to teach ourselves by digging into God's word and doing the research. Which leads me to this: we have to do better at teaching our children.

Titus 2:3-5 says, "Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

Mothers we are to train our daughters up in a way to be a wife. We are to teach them when they are dating, it's not for fun. Dating is to be intentional, having the intent to find a husband. We are to know what it means to be a wife before we ever get married. Just as fathers are to teach their sons what it is to be a husband before they get married. They learn from us. This is something that is just not taught by the worldly standards.

Something interesting I came across while doing my research that I think you will find interesting as well. Why do women struggle to submit? Why do we fight it so much? Yes society teaches us that submission is negative, but it runs much deeper than that. Why? One word...Sin... Adam and Eve's sin to be exact. Adam and Eve both received punishments for eating of the forbidden fruit. Man would have to work the ground harder among other things. Even the serpent had punishments bestowed on him as well. You can go read Genesis to get the list of them all. But, there is one for Eve that I am speaking of. Do you know what it is before I tell you? One of Eve's punishments is in Genesis 3:16. It says "your desire shall be contrary to your husband but he shall rule over you." (Esv) Hmm. Interesting isn't it? Woman's punishment is what? To be contrary to her husband. Makes more sense why we fight this leadership role huh? Now that we know, we have a better understanding of where it comes from. We don't use this verse as an excuse to do what we want but as a reminder that God's way is better. Sin got us into this mess, but God. He warns us we will want to go against our husbands, but He also says husbands will rule over their wives. He tells us you may want to do this but that's not how it's supposed to be. Do better than in the garden. Follow His way. He said He is the way, the truth and the light. He's telling us to align ourselves biblically and in the way He laid out for us and then watch what He does with it.